"Talk to the Snail"

My best friend, that you should all know by now, Melissa Hernandez, is currently reading the book posted below, and she can't stop talking to me about it. I am now persuaded to read this book because, as an American living in France, I think it will do me good.


You see, I feel like France is defeating me and I am about to surrender just to return back to the United States. Unfortunately this is not a battle that I can just forfeit because I am on contract so I gotta tough it out. You are probably asking, but why Mal? Why is France so hard for you? Well, let me tell you, France administration is AWFUL! There are endless amounts of paperwork, they only believe in postal mail, internet isn't preferred here yet, and they are never satisfied with what you send as your paperwork THUS anything and everything with the administration TAKES FOREVER. Have I mentioned that customer service does not exist? Oh, and I am not talking about just in restaurants, it's everywhere. Right now the gas company is my enemy. If you call them about a complaint, don't expect to hear, "Good day, ma'am, how can we make your customer experience better?" no.. you will just get a lady/man who is extremely rude and blunt with you who will refuse to help your problem, even if the problem is their fault. The French language is still very difficult for me and I hate the fact that a store/any establishment closes whenever they want, for no reason at all. The French do what they want, and that is the end of it.

The titles of the chapters in this book seem to address exactly what I am complaining about. Take a look. My favorites, the chapters that I find personal to my experience, are numbers: 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10.

1 Thou shalt be wrong (if you’re not French) – Why every Frenchman is Monsieur Right.
2 Thou shalt not work – Why long weekends are good for the French economy.
3 Thou shalt eat – Just because it smells of pig’s droppings doesn’t mean it’ll taste like them.
4 Thou shalt be ill – Getting the best out of the French national drug habit.
5 Thou shalt speak French– Fun ways to mispronounce words and offend people.
6 Thou shalt not sing (in tune, anyway) – A French artiste says, ‘pretentious, moi?’
7 Thou shalt not know – Don’t mention the war, nuclear power, tax or structural surveys.
8 Thou shalt not love thy neighbour – Oui, I am smoking into your dinner, et alors?
9 Thou shalt not be served – Garçon? Waiter? Bonjour? Oh, forget it.
10 Thou shalt be polite (and simultaneously rude) – Bonjour Madame, vous êtes une idiote.
11 Thou shalt say ‘I Love You’ – The perils of French-style amour.

I want to buy this book now, but you know, it will take me sometime because France is really expensive and likes to surprise you with unexpected bills, so I currently don't have the money. Let me say though, I don't hate France okay. I still admire the French culture, it is actually quite amusing and I love that they still hold their reputation as an artistic and romantic country. Also, if I could speak the language with perfect conjugations, perfect liaisons and perfect idioms then I would love the language and agree that it is the prettiest language that exists. I am just happy to have figured out that I like France as a place to read about, a place to see in movies and a place to visit a few times in a lifetime. I will always hold France close to my heart, however, I was not born French, but American, therefore I just cannot accept French culture as my own.